The Little Fluter Boy

I just came back from a Christmas musical presentation at our local church; it was wonderful.  I really do enjoy good Christmas music.  Whether it be George Strait singing Away in a Manger, Karen Carpenter singing No Place like Home for the Holidays, Johny Mathis singing Sleigh Ride, or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing O Holy Night, it always brings back happy memories and really puts me in a Christmassy mood.

However, there is one Christmas Song that I have never liked; in fact I despise it.  Most of you know it.  It usually starts out with a children's choir singing very solemn tones of "pum, pa-pa-pa-pum, pa-pa-pa-pum, pa-pa-pa-pum-pum . . ." to the steady beat of a marching drum, followed by a very over the top musical narrative of a little shepherd boy who doesn't have any thing to give the new born king . . . but he has a drum! . . . .

GAG!!!!

That's right, I do not like 'The Little Drummer Boy', not at all.  Never have.  First of all, why a drum?  I mean, why would a poor little shepherd boy have a drum in the first place?  Wouldn't it scare the sheep?  As a mixed animal veterinarian, I have several clients with sheep, and none of them tote their drums around with them while their out checking the flocks.  To be fair, I guess the song never actually says that he was a shepherd boy, but what other kind of boys were there in Bethlehem at the time?  Other than innkeepers son's?  I guess he could have been an innkeeper's son . . . maybe he played a drum for the lounge singers?  But then he probably wouldn't be poor, because innkeeping was apparently pretty profitable in Bethlehem at the time.  I don't know.  I just never have liked it.  I don't like the overly serious tone of the music, the fact that a drummer needs an ox and a lamb to keep time, and the incessant ra-pa-pum-pums scattered hither and yon throughout the lyrics.  I especially don't like how it gets into your head.  There are few things more annoying than having a song stuck in your head that you don't like in the first place.

Nonetheless, because 'tis the season to be jolly, I have come up with a few improvements for the song that might make it a little more historically correct and entertaining to listen to.  First of all, we've got to get rid of the drum.  Shepherds were more likely to have flutes!  So we call it 'The Little Fluter Boy'.  Because we need some lyrics that rhyme with 'flute', I suggest that instead of 'Pa-ra-pa-pum-pum' we should sing 'A-root-a-toot-toot!'.  That way, when you find yourself inadvertently ra-pa-pumping you can just say 'root-a-toot-toot!' and kablewy!  No more stupid little drummer boy in your head.  Add a few minor modifications to make everything jive together and I present to you, "The Little Fluter Boy"!

(Children's Choir singing in the Background)

Root! Root-a-ta-toot! Root-a-ta-toot! Root-a-ta-toot-a-ta-toot-a-ta-toot! Root-a-ta-toot! Root-a-ta-toot! Root-a-ta-toot-a-ta-toot-a-ta-toot!

Coooooommmmme they told me
A-root-a-toot-toot!
A new born king to see
A-root-a-toot-toot!

Our finest gifts we bring
A-root-a-toot-toot!
To lay before the King
A-root-a-toot-toot-root-a-toot-toot!

So to honor him
A-root-a-toot-toot!
with our loot!

Little baby
A-root-a-toot-toot!
I am a poor boy too
A-root-a-toot-toot!

I have no gift to bring
A-root-a-toot-toot!
That's fit to give our King
A-root-a-toot-toot! Root-a-toot-toot! Root-a-toot-toot!

Shaaaaalllll I play for you?
A-root-a-toot-toot!
On my flute!

Mary nodded
A-root-a-toot-toot!
The ox and lamb felt fine
A-root-a-toot-toot!
I played my flute for Him
A-root-a-toot-toot!
I played my best for Him
A-root-a-toot-toot! Root-a-toot-toot! Root-a-toot-toot!

Then He smiled at me
A-root-a-toot-toot!
Me'n my flute!

(Children's Choir singing, slowly fades into the Background)

Root! Root-a-ta-toot! Root-a-ta-toot! Root-a-ta-toot-a-ta-toot-a-ta-toot! Root-a-ta-toot! Root-a-ta-toot! Root-a-ta-toot-a-ta-toot-a-ta-toot!

Merry Christmas everyone!